Friday, March 24, 2006

i dare you to take me on (a.k.a. he used to make me smile)
march has 31 days and i spent three nights out of that bawling my eyes out. i opened the box again and revisited past secrets. rummaged the same pages of history that lives so thickly still in my veins. the same history that doesn't require any more reference to me.

i wonder, is this going to forever be a natural course of my years ahead? roaming silently through the streets with tears rolling down my cheeks, hoping for the wind to blow them hastily away?

this month will mark the fourth year. should i rejoice or start a new battle plan? hahaha.

sigh.
if only life had a manual to come along with it. like God would somehow throw down a how-to guide each time life comes kicking and screaming out of some mother's dilated uterus.
and i sickly wonder when that day will happen in my own empty life.

three months in jeans. three years of jeans that's never been in contact with my other half.
i tried not searching, you know. i tried to be calm and silent. or so they advised, on how to actually end up attached. but it's either my patience that's too short, or time that's too long, i have failed both ways.

i tried lowering my expectations. it was tall, handsome, good-looking, smart, kind, caring, nice smile, loving and considerate at first.
now it's just alive and available.

but like a persistent stain, i still stubbornly refuse to give this up.
so i shouldn't blame God, should i?

i just want to live a good life, do good things, and have someone (hopefully, good too) by my side while i'm at it.
and sometimes i wonder if maybe, i'm asking a wee bit too much?
and that's when i start to cry.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:40 PM