Tuesday, April 26, 2005

i wonder who reads me here.

-pulls up the blinds and peeks out-

...bonjour,
tu es d'ou ?
enchantez.

come on.. quelle surprise.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:43 AM

re-cap.
i am torn into two
one part me



one part you.

and.the.night.oozes.with.naught.but.sweet.memories.of.you.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:40 AM

Saturday, April 23, 2005

not apparent but
pressure is mounting nonetheless.
strength is waning.
and i've a millzillion other things on my mind that i wanna do!

just a week's break till the next paper
and i can say Hello to three months of SOCIAL FREEDOM :D

maktub.

skribbled at 12:41 AM

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

i puked myself out.
sick. tired. DISGUSTED.
-sigh-
one of my life's lowest points ever right now.
everything negative Negative NEGATIVE screaming in my head.
about myself. others. situations. EVERYTHING.
i'm so bogged down.

i wanna quit this.
i so so so feel like.
but is it really the way to go?
i'm sure i'm much better than this?
but why stay only to prove them wrong?
why stay when ur heart doesn't want to?
why stay when u can be happier elsewhere, doing happier things.

i'm a mess.



nature has the most beautiful voices.
how sad i am to not be able to enjoy it.
these days are the worst.
dear Allah, give me strength.
and if i fall, help me stand.
and rise stronger than before.
ameen.

maktub.

skribbled at 10:58 PM

Sunday, April 17, 2005

the space between.
what's wrong and right
is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you.

the space between
your heart and mine, is the space we'll fill with time.


how can my heart miss you this greatly and not explode.

maktub.

skribbled at 10:24 PM

Thursday, April 14, 2005

God listens.
how do i know?
yesterday, i was in the grocery store, grumbling again coz i had to buy tins of instant cofee to keep me awake these exam days. and, sick of canned coffee, i wished for coffee that came in packets, like those lemon barley and bandung drinks. but of course, there were none there. or perhaps i just didn't see.

and voila!

this morning, at the mama shoppe, which i step only once in a green moon, i saw it..
and i'm drinking it right now :D

this,
just one of the other countless times He's 'listened' to me.
<3

maktub.

skribbled at 2:41 PM

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

l/o/v/e sucks.
you know that. i know that.
the whole darned world knows that!
but being humans, we still go for it.
though we know it hurts. though we know it betrays. though we know it's fake.
we're so pathetic.

i dun think i fully believe it in anymore.
too many bad self-experiences and others' life stories have made me so.
ur so rotten. evil.
what has happened to ur purity?
it's all distorted now.
people don't fall in l/o/v/e anymore.
they fall in l/u/s/t or w/e/a/l/t/h or s/t/a/t/u/s.
it just sucks.
i wish i'm on a cloud overlooking the world.
i wish i'm blessed with powers. zap every corrupted person's head. d/em/o/cr/a/cy for the world. and save all the poor and starving and abused children of the world.

right now, i'm just puny me.
darn exams. be off with u.
the sick thing with me is, i conform sometimes.
shit.

maktub.

skribbled at 2:31 PM

dear God, i have changed.
and i duno if i don't like it.
my priorities have gone amok, my plans waylaid, and my loyalties skewed.
what's the problem? is there a problem??

sometimes, i scare even my own self. sometimes, i hate trusting myself so much. this much. i'm scared how far i'll go. mentally.
the way home from the bus-stop to my door-step is around seventeen minutes if i take my own sweet time. and God. the thoughts i conjure up all the way home sometimes (!)
hearing my own self think (and speak), i sometimes shudder. i sound almost like an atheist (na'uzubillah min zalik) at times.
then i'd laugh. and then pause a while and reflect.
then i'd shudder again and get back to thinking 'safe thoughts'.
but then how dull would it be if we were to solely confine our thoughts to only matters which we have only be told to believe in.
everyone needs a good challenge now and then.
and the best part is, when your challenges are shot back at you (answered) through ur own religion.
sometimes there's this glow/ gloat within me after this certain class in school.
we'd talk about all these issues goin' round the world today and on the way home, i'd kinda reflect.
and it'd strike me. like, hey look, islam already has an answer for that, man. ur kinda too late aren't u now?
then there're those what i call 'atheistic' side of me (i think), where i oppose the rules that my religion has confined me to. like e/u/t/h/a/n/a/s/i/a/. contrary to what i'm supposed to believe, i would rather let the plug be pulled than have the person suffer. i mean, why would u allow your loved one(s) to suffer? (that's my logic for now. i'm jotting this down so that the 'me' in the next few yrs would probably read this again and have the chance to see if i still hold this thought. hi, me!)

-sigh- so that's it.
i'm a bit muddled and messed up now.
holidays're coming round the corner.
till then, i await (and suffer) in glee!

and yes,
it's still you in my thoughts, ss.

maktub.

skribbled at 12:09 AM

Thursday, April 07, 2005

still you, sweetie.
still you.
not you. You.
<3

maktub.

skribbled at 1:08 AM