Friday, February 25, 2005

mess.
this week's been the one week so-called 'term break'. HA! like real. it's just another name for 'do-projects-until-you-die' week. Urgh.
Once again, like how it was last semester, i've got seven days.
in these seven days, have got to squeeze three HUGE projects, two reports. ohGod. uni life really is not bringing out the best in me. productivity= 0 social life= 0 involvement in sch n such= 0 (!!!) what's happened, man.
And, as usual. so far, almost five days have passed. three out of four nights have been tainted with tears. the usual 2, 3am spills upon my bedsheets. crying like a pathetic wimp. the helpless hopeless fool that i am. what the hell am i doing with my life?
funnily, when i cry, when i bawl my eyes out, i still have the audacity to talk to Him. as if i'm praying.. but it's more like talking. i implore Him to hear me, answer me, never stop loving me. i know it sounds stupid. and useless. but i really enjoy these 'talks' with Him. something secret. something beautiful sometimes. private. and something, somewhere where i Know someone is listening. where someone is 'awake' somewhere 'hearing' me. i don't know whether i'm feeling like this coz it's that time of the month and all.. but since this is the second time round during term break that i'm feeling so, can't be, right.
you know what's been happening, right. what i've been doing.
it's not the rightest thing to be doing. that's why whenever i do go out, it feels so darned great. as if, for a moment, life really has no problems. it's when i get home that that awful heaviness sinks into my chest and i get so choked up that i cannot help it and let it wrench my heart and i almost feel like dying just coz of the sadness and self-inflicted emotional pain.
i know. i know if i keep it up, the same thing will happen again. i'll go crazy again. i know. i know my own self. and i know this is not exactly the best of times to be down there again.
i wonder how much longer i can keep this up.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:13 AM