Friday, December 31, 2004

fixation.
dreamt of the same tall and lanky curly-haired caucasian again.
first dreamt of him some months back.
this time we 'met' again and he was backpacking alone. just as i was.
and we got to hug this time round :)
not a friendly friend kinda hug
more like an 'mmm-luv-u-so-much-ur-so-darned-comfy' kinda hug.
hee. kinda sweet
he wore a dirty green tee with faded jeans
and his halo was so blessed with healthy shiny curls.
we kinda 'parted ways' though coz the bus we were waitin' for came, and he got up but i didn't get a chance to. hmm.
but he was skinny!
and u know how i loathe skinny guys ho ho.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:14 PM

Thursday, December 30, 2004

disenchantment.
it's always like this. moments with you are so forever short-lived.
but i cherish them nonetheless.
didn't see you for almost a good six months at least.
each busy with our own agendas.
and then now. one day after another.
poking fun at each other, endless giggles, havin' fun with our mutual friends, updating of news and whatnots, secret glances.. *sigh*
it's like we share a secret language no one knows about and it's like we speak in a secret voice that no one ever hears.
but i'm so scared.
so scared of crossing to the other side.
i'd rather you stay the good friend that you are rather than lose whatever we have built along these thin and thick lines of friendship.
i love you so much.
and it sears me to cradle so much emotions for you this way.

maktub.

skribbled at 9:40 PM

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

desperate.
you ask me why i still persist and i have no clue as to how i should answer you. we are separated by masses of concrete and foliage. and when you cross the street you will evidently see me, stuck up here on the third storey - nowhere and nothing to my name. i want to fold you back into me but i know by all means i cannot. and should not. you are my past. and i crave for my future, having forsaken my present.
he will be there, i know he shall. his smiling unwavering halo still thrives and throbs here madly, spinning in my head. he goes away, but then ultimately, he comes back again. and i greet him ceremoniously. i love him. i've told you i love him.
but i cannot keep this up too long. coz either he will go away, hurt me, or something else will come in between us. it's better when feelings don't get in the way. when we all become staunch mechanical robots. heartless and brutal.
when will we ever learn. the world doesn't stop for us.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:22 AM

Friday, December 10, 2004

k/a/r/m/a.
i have been painting the streets and alleys these past days. and when i am not, i am curled so tightly within my bedsheets, accompanied by a good read, even the stench of my unwashed body is not motivation enough to make me wanna get up and get some work done. yes, lethargy and banal boredom have effortlessly held me captive. and i'm not resisting as you can see.
have been awfully quiet at homefront. no. i am not gonna spill it. let them pry it off me if they must. i shall stay tremendously still. and await the time when i shall head back west. hopefully all will be sorted back out by then. u shall puppeteer me no more.
.
.
.
telling me not to care anymore is like telling me not to blink my eyes. or swallow saliva. like telling me not to laugh when ur telling me a really funny joke. or when u tickle my sides. and telling me to just detach myself is like telling me to rip my empty soul off my body. you can't just do that, you know.
i can't just do that.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:39 AM

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

futile.
there have been attempts where i let various ideas that pursued means to end this way too pathetic life of mine trickle in my head. like now for instance. now, when i am so desperately desperately low.
but. either it's the coward or slight tinge of faith left in me yet, i falter. shut my eyes. and let the tears roll as much as they wish to. salty tears over sweet red blood. that's how it always ends.
someone wrote somewhere, love he who loves you for Him.
now isn't that the most beautiful thing ever?

sigh.

maktub.

skribbled at 9:58 PM

Sunday, December 05, 2004

wonderment.
it must be your sport
to wound me round and round this way.
send me on the most ridiculous wildgoose chase you could ever think of
then leave me stranded
as and when you feel like it.
but you wouldn't do all this
if you didn't know
that i'm yours to own anyway.

You are my spirit and I call on you
to help me remember what I know
you are the force that keeps me moving on,
when my memory of our oneness starts to go
you are the flame that lights the path I walk
the guide whose hand I need to lead me home
take me in your arms and lead me through the dark
to the spring from which all healing waters flow

I am the one whose hand is in your hand
I will lead you down whatever path you choose
I am your guardian, I'm your dearest friend
I'm your deepest intuition, I'm your muse
I am the voice that calls you to the light,
the truest of the voices that you hear
and every time you call on me I'm there for you
I'm always at your side, I'm always near.

maktub.

skribbled at 9:43 PM

Thursday, December 02, 2004

bleeding.
back home again after four days in a foreign land. caught up with some relatives. some polite banter here and there. but nah, it was just no use. my thoughts were still screaming of you. from the moment the slight sliver of sunlight hit the hotel sheets i was buried under till the last few minutes before i embrace sweet morpheus.
you rang, apparently, the day i wasn't around. to share your good news. i'm darn happy for you, u ought to know that. you deserve it after so long.. after waiting for so long.
and somehow u rang again, and this time i was around to answer the call. i don't know what you're trying to do but perhaps like she says, i shouldn't get my hopes up on you anyways. hell, i dun even envision myself growin' old with you! so why. why am i this propelled towards you when we haven't even shared much save for hours of calls and times out together which i can count on both hands and still have some leftover. you are wrong for me in every way. and i know it.
and yet i crave you like the drug i consciously know i shouldn't. and the thing is, i even know why i shouldn't want you anymore.
there should be other more worrying things in mind to make this holiday period more productive but i'm not even trying. i don't wish to. and i don't care.
sometimes i just want to cocoon myself in these frail threads of my helplessness and self-pity and be swallowed by the wind.. wherever it wishes to take me.
don't come and go like you always do.
stay. for once.
please do <3

maktub.

skribbled at 11:07 PM