Saturday, November 27, 2004

cannonball.
There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It's still a little hard to say what's going on

There's still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
There's still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That i can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There's still a little bit of your song in my ear
There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on.

:(

maktub.

skribbled at 8:26 PM

utterly.
really should stop reading happy happy fluffy blog posts.
they're making me sadder.
and sadder.
.
.
.
going away tomorrow till wednesday.
i hope this break'll do me some good.

i've become a zombie again.
thanks.
thanks for coming and going.
u were really something. that u were.

i can't take my mind off you.

maktub.

skribbled at 8:24 PM

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

the hours.
i think i'm gettin' better
slightly :)
went to an art exhibition just now. pretty cool
need to get out more these days
there was this one painting that i just couldn't stop starin' at
it was as if i was right there.
the painting was of a street alley in Greece
oh goodness.
it felt as if i was right smack there in the scene
as if i was walking down the very alley
it was THAT wow.
and t'was another painting
that was soothingly calming
a country scene. like autumn somewhat.
played with lots of blues and mellow orange and yellows
very very pretty.
and very very costly
i should try painting one day
see how good/bad i am at it.
also bought some belly-dancing and exercise vcds that were on sale
hee hee.
oh nevermind the splurge. they were dirt cheap :)
and earlier before that, for this job interview that, if we get it, will take up all of our weekends and leave us with our pockets very full indeed! yeay-ness!
and later part of the evening, followed the bestest to buy some gift for her partner.
i seriously should go out more often these days after what just happened.
clear my mind and sorts.
what with the holidays and all
hmm maybe i should even carry on with my driving lessons.
ah well
goin' out again tomorrow with aish.
lalala.
i pray for better days ahead.
u pray for me too ok :)

maktub.

skribbled at 9:59 PM

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

numb.
my heart is so empty and hollow and my head is spinning and spinning ceaselessly. yes, so i had a sound sleep on the first night - and why not - my doubts were finally affirmed. but now - till now - i've been nothing less than a pathetic wreck. i think i'm havin' it again - depression. some signs are creepin' their way back home again and dammit i dun wanna shoo them away.
am so terribly sick of bein' this "strong person". this "individual that doesn't ever crumble". this "girl who is never wrong". stop stickin' labels onto me! i am me. me me me. only i know myself best. and who and what i can and can not be. i know my own limits. i fucken have feelings and i shall breakdown as and when i jolly want to. this hurts, ok. this BLOODY BLOODY hurts.

this shouldn't affect me you know. u are mortal. just like me. you are TEMPORARY. temporary. just like how i was. just like how u took me as. i know i know it's no point crying but DAMMIT these fucken tears just don't wanna pause.

i will so whisk myself away one day. seattle ur my first choice. be someone else. run away. i wanna be a coward just like u and run away one day.

i hope someone will hurt you just as how you've hurt me. u can take a blunt knife and swirl it round n round my chest and it'll still be less painful than how my days have been.

perhaps the thing with me and Tauruses is that we can only ever be good friends. best of friends, at times. but how is that ever possible. tell me.

thanks, you jerk.
a big fucken thanks.

maktub.

skribbled at 3:27 AM

Friday, November 19, 2004

sweetest november,
will you please take this pain away?
i cannot live through another day.
i asked dear God but he told me nay.
your time will come but it ain't today.

maktub.

skribbled at 9:55 PM

i'd rather be alone than with you.
i would give up my life for you knowing that you would do equally the same for me. i had been praying and wishing to Him nights before, and that's when you appeared. "like an answered prayer" they say. but then there's also "be careful what you wish for, it might just come true".
sometimes i'd like to think that hey, maybe it's me who's retarded. me who's backward and complacent in all these feelings and relationships thingy and etc. but then i think again. can't be. coz love doesn't change. it shouldn't. it doesn't.
i trust my instincts so much they often swallow me whole. and they've been nothing less than a good friend. proving me right time and time again.
giving up on you would be one of the hardest decisions i'd have to make this year. but i think it's come to the point where i simply can't settle for second-best anymore. this is affecting me worse than i thought it would.
so our meeting was, as you put it, fate. kismet. whatever.
and you who said you did not believe in fate till i came into the picture.
well, you just made a disbeliever out of me now.
sha was happy for me, i could sense it, but what she said hit a chord too.
what about the reality?
reality.
where's the reality in our so-called relationship?
i don't mind waiting, you know.
seriously i don't.
i don't mind waiting for someone who would really take me as i am.
who would be that other half of me.
who would just be there whenever and wherever.
but you're not any of these.
so why am i settling?
and during this short period you've made me cry more than anyone else i've ever known.
and this hurts so friggin' much, dammit.
i shouldn't let you affect me this way. coz it'd mean i care for you.
and i really don't mind that realization.
but thing is, you don't.
you don't reciprocate that kind gesture.
so why do i even bother.
.
.
i am giving up
do you hear me?
for once, i am giving up.

it's a joyous day today.

maktub.

skribbled at 3:10 PM

Thursday, November 18, 2004

blank.
not much appetite these days.
and i haven't cried for quite some time now.
good? bad? hmm.
perhaps it's a sign, ey.
gettin' tired n sleepy darn easily these days.
'retribution' ? heh.
i am still contemplating about that.
logically and emotionally, i am, for the first time ever, stumped.

you had me at hello,
you had me at hello.

ah well.
you know what they say about being careful on what u wish for?
who knows whether it might just come true?
don't wanna hit the nail on the head but it's like as though the hammer is danglin' right infront of me!

somehow
all i want right now is to be left alone.

hey! i cut my hair today
boy do i feel sexay
hahaha. nuts.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:27 PM

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

seething. bloodshot.
do not mix business with pleasure they say
then do not mix love with romance
if both mean a planet's span width to you.
you jerk. you boar. you curr.
we are taught
of the importance of intention in all actions;
and that actions are rewarded according to their intentions.
then what is yours?
what are yours?
my soul, longs to be home
and at the same time
longs to be equally embraced.
do i lie here forever in the crossroads of neither here nor there?
"Come back, come back
even though you have broken your vows a thousand times.
Ours is not a house of despair,
ours is a house of hope."

but what if that frail bit of hope is diminishing slowly as the days go by?
disappointment.
mankind always never fails to grant me that.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:41 PM

don't know.
what to accept. what to expect. what to wish and hope for anymore.
your purity has been tainted.
time and time again.
and yet i'm still ever the sucker for you.
i can never let go of you, you know that don't you.
the world exists coz of you. you are what makes the world.
how can i not fall.
-sigh-
floating freely for now.
madness.
a void.
don't nobody prick me out of this bubble.

maktub.

skribbled at 6:44 PM

Sunday, November 14, 2004

a void.
Aidilfitri here again. 1425.
wasn't quite lookin' forward to it i might say, what with the crappy exams n all but Alhamdulillah all over and done with. so glad. i know for a fact i didn't put in my best in it.. not my usual 101% but i did study, did put in effort, so here's hopin' for the best.
this year's takbir brought tears to mamma's eyes. we all miss nenek. truly truly. somehow, there's this 'emptiness' hovering around the dinner table and the atmosphere. not only coz of arwah nenek i guess, but also coz of the passings of several other seniors in our family as well.
i pray to You God, for the Best of this world and the Hereafter. for my family, my friends, myself. For You are the Best of Judges and only You alone know our most innermost thoughts and wishes. Grant us happiness always and guide us onward on asSiraatul Mustaqim. ameen.
for world peace.
no kidding.

maktub.

skribbled at 2:09 AM

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

controlling.
controlling.. with all the self-restraint within me.

everything i do
every move i make
just seems to be
wrong wrong wrong.

really don't wanna doubt you but
all the signs are screaming NEGATIVE.

need you the most right now.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:38 PM

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

*cries*

maktub.

skribbled at 2:22 AM

Thursday, November 04, 2004

self righteous suicide.
i want to fall off a high place and drown.
so badly.
dear God.
take away these emotions.
make me as barren and empty as him.
this hurts.
so awfully much.
.
.
.
here.
have my heart
it's broken anyway.

maktub.

skribbled at 6:20 PM