Monday, October 25, 2004

tragedy.
i take words so seriously i scare myself most times.
and you take them so fleetingly i hate you for it.

perhaps he just loves in a different way
a different manner. different verves.
and i, a girl who reeks of the past
who refuses to grow up
who denies reality.

so how can i ever get used to you
and your nonchalance
you're pathetic at times
you ought to know that.
but i shall never reveal that to your face
bite my tongue if i must
but i will never say it.
my pride won't let me.
fear won't let me.

when did love get this complicated?

maktub.

skribbled at 1:40 AM

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

make me stay/ ani difranco
i'm gonna turn
and walk away
you can wait
till i am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if i were gone
i want to hear you
call my name
it's too easy
just to say it soft
i don't like my language
watered down
i don't like my edges
rounded off

i can't always wait
for your circumstance to improve
love is loose it
shifts each time you move
go ahead, put my back
against the wall
give it all up
or don't give it to me at all
you never know this could be
our last night
so step back
step back into the light
so i can see your silhouette
i'm not done looking yet

save the profile for the camera
give me your eye to eye
i know all your secrets
and you know all of mine
mostly i don't go
for the soft focus and the fantasy
i need something real
i can think
and say and see so

i'm going to turn
and walk away
you wait till i am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if i were gone
yes i'm going to turn
and walk away
you can watch me go
or you can make me stay.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:50 AM

Monday, October 18, 2004

hiss.
you know what people say about dreams.
they ain't real.

and you keep lettin' me down so many (countless) times
i've lost track.
almost losing hope.

why swear you'll be there
why swear you care
when you obviously do not.

never use heavy words on such fragile delicate issues.

it's impossible to still have a person such as you around.
that is why
i wonder
what it is you're playing at.
and perhaps
i have too much time on my hands
and that is why
i am reciprocating all this while.

you're not the nice person i thought you were.
you're the most evil of them all.

it's senseless of me to keep hangin' on to your verbal foreplay
perhaps it is and has always been your cruel forte.

everything is crumbling now
and it started when you came into my formerly placid life.

AGONY
this is.

perhaps
i want out.
this is doin' me more harm than good.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:44 PM

Sunday, October 10, 2004

plethora.
only YOU know how and what i'm feeling inside, God.
this mess of emotions.
no words fathomable.
i wish i can die and wake up cleansed.

maktub.

skribbled at 4:40 PM

Sunday, October 03, 2004

insomniac.
i don't need clinical tests to prove i'm insane.
i KNOW i am.
and no one knows me better than I do.
i wish i can peel peel peel
this skin. this flesh. this mask.
these horrid yesteryears.
burn them with my torn jeans and diaries
and fragments of unwanted memories.
GOD. hear me.
i plead. i beg. i beseech. YOU.
but what do i give in return.
naught. nothing. zilch.
will there be a day that YOU will ever stop loving me?
i really don't deserve this.
give me the guts to end my suffering.
i can't psyche happy thoughts into myself anymore it seems.
i am the weakest of YOUR slaves.
the bravest of the meek.
i am brutally honest.
and honestly cruel.
i know. i know.
my stomach reeks of yesterday's dinner
and my skin has not touched water for days.
what have i done with the passing hours.
GOD.
hear me through my monologue.
i have no one but YOU.
why.
why am i this way. what is WRONG WITH ME
everyone has a purpose for existence. i KNOW that
what's mine. what's MINE.
as if YOUR tests aren't enough
i have to inflict more to myself.
and it feels DARN GOOD.
YOU've taken my loved ones away from me
why did YOU leave me here alone
YOU've orchestrated my life's flowery paths
why didn't YOU tell me what YOU have planned
YOU've shown mercy. YOU've shown me love
why can't i ever accept.
what is wrong with me GOD.
what the fucking hell is wrong with me...

maktub.

skribbled at 1:45 AM