Sunday, August 29, 2004

oh joy!
wooHoo! miss dian is on a roll. mood-swingy like anything. nopes. not pms this time. way past that. heh.
slowly waking up from me big slumber.
finally able to slowly digest stuff learnt in school.
and only after nearly six weeks, mind you.
so much for my head being in the clouds.
and NOW
finishing up this darn report so i can go WOMAD!!!
YEARGHHHH!!!
can't wait. can't wait.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:35 AM

Saturday, August 28, 2004

rewind.
i want these small two feet to tread each inch of God's majestic land. i want to go to all the beautiful beaches and run my hands through the cool soft sand. i want to step into all the stunning majids and offer my two rakaat prayers there. i want to talk to everyone i see on the street. ride on all the animals. smile to every child. i want to witness sunset and sunrise in different countries. see the stars from different cities. i want to trek all the forests and fall and hurt myself. and let my blood flow into the earth, making us one. i want to be in the middle of the desert and twirl and twirl and twirl.
but i am just here. and i am still here. nothing and nowhere.
i am in school when i should be outside embracing life.
i am trapped in the rigidity of the education system.
conformed by my own choices!
but
did i make the right choice?
my head is buzzing with WHAT IFs
and SHOULD HAVEs
and MAYBEs.
only twenty three and already i feel so wizened.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:07 PM

Monday, August 23, 2004

self-talk.
seriously now.
i have got to wake up and stop procrastinating.
i've slacked like crazy these past weeks and now it's already comin into week 5 of sch.
darnnit.
quality of my work has deteriorated.
my focus in life has skewed.
my relationships with people have gone awry.
and all i do is sleep!
ARGH!
.
.
.
have got to wake up and concentrate already
i've been going thru the days as if in a daze
but seriously.
school sucks.
i've never actually hated the idea of going to school till now.
it's like i'm forcing myself to drag these two feet to class and lectures
where's my interest gone?
it's not burning enough.
everything's just not enough.
what if i quit halfway?
should i give it all up now?
now when i haven't even challenged myself
through the tests and examinations?
i am not a loser
and i will never be one
dear God
please prove me right
like You always do.
i don't wanna give up now
not just yet.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:08 PM

Sunday, August 22, 2004

hi. do you know i'm
confused?

maktub.

skribbled at 11:47 PM

Saturday, August 14, 2004

the truth?
the truth is that i'm scared.
i'm scared i'll never live.
i'm scared i'll never make it.
i'm scared i'll never wake up to witness another sunrise.

the truth?
the truth is that i'm human.
i'm human enough to feel your hurtful words and what they mean to me.
i'm human enough to want. and desire. and will. think. and feel.
i'm human enough to cry each and everytime i want to.

the truth?
the truth is that i want you so badly.
the truth is that my heart freezes each time you come near me.
the truth is that my insides secretly long for that next call from you.
the truth is that i can't stop talking each time we're together
i can't stop smiling.
the truth is i can't stop crying when i think of you
i can't stop hurting.
the truth is Who Are You and
why did you come?
the truth is your laugh. that silly hoarse tinkle that leaves you breathless sometimes.
and your eyes. and that mischievous glint you have in them each time we converse.
and your speech. your manner.
and your oh so mashaAllah wholesome goodness.

the truth is.
i think i love you.

maktub.

skribbled at 9:00 AM

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

singing rain.
i like chats with you
the serious ones. the sad. the trite.
when you chide. advise. snide.
the smile you evoke each time
we while our time with ceaseless banter
and then
for a moment or two
our moods flicker
you and your concern
my and my stubbornness.

and then you dawdle
with talks of the future
and what it brings
relationships
and what they mean

there is an invisible line in between us
and we take the greatest amount of care to not trespass it
how long will we stay in our created boundaries

only God knows.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:36 AM

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

salve.
do you know that everything is merely a mirage?
how many innuendoes i emit
are simply never enough to suffice.
my heart cracked. split open. threw up its contents.
the moment the realization of the words hit me.
i didn't mean to be so blunt
and why would i ever even wanna???
it's hard enough to forge
and now i have to sustain.
barely before the old wound's closed, another's beginning.
feed on my emotions sparingly.
please.

maktub.

skribbled at 10:43 PM