Sunday, May 23, 2004

grow old gracefully.
it's really some scary shit.
when ur old and helpless.
and utterly utterly useless.
till the point where your dignity is gone and you have to depend on others to clear ur excrements for you.
the house has been pretty dark and melancholic lately.
nenek's really really sick.
the sickest she's ever been.
she's not herself anymore.
she's already got that glazed blank stare and she cares for nothing and no one now.
she doesn't even recognize mamma.
but Alhamdulillah for one thing; she manages to utter La illa ha ilallah every now and then and even the full syahadah.
then she slips back into the 'trippy' mode where even when i talk sense into her like, telling her the day, time and latest things happening in the house, yet she still spews nonsense.
everyone at home's already not eating and sleeping properly.
nenek's not been sleeping for two days now but i know she's damn tired.
her eye's all watery and stuff, and you can sense it.. she wants to sleep. but just can't.
doc's valium have all been used up and amazingly - all to no avail.
i guess her system's all immuned to it by now.
i pray pray pray she gets better; that is, if it's meant that she's to live more years.
else, dear God, do take her swiftly and painlessly.
not like this.
not when she's not even herself.
everything's falling apart and my conscience is starting to not let me go ahead with the trip.
maybe it'll be a good thing too if it ends up being cancelled.
God knows Best.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:42 PM

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

rock-a-bye.
Was late and cruising in the cab coz of the massive jam yesterday morning. passed by EC park and man, had the most severe urge to get out of the cab, call in sick and just spend the day staring out to sea instead.
everytime I pass by there.. it's like
the sea..
the trees
they're like calling out to me everytime.
and just passing by them
is always never enough.

fulfilment will come soon enough.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:31 AM

Sunday, May 09, 2004

mistress massacre.
i'm trying to open up a lil with the rest of the world
slowly.
to trust again seems to take forever for me.

they need seven more people for the trip
and i've been thinking in the meanwhile
if ba says i really really die die shouldn't go
then i won't.
i really wouldn't want to go also without both of em's blessings.
so totally unlike the me i once was
haha
shucks.

i'll do like what i did for my application last month
pray to Him to ease the path that He deems best for me.
everything looks cool so far
we'll see.

my mind is so BLOATED with issues.
you wouldn't have guessed even the gist of it.

"i'm gonna work the straw
make the sweat drip out of every pore
and Im bleeding, and im bleeding, and im bleeding
right before my Lord
all the words are gonna bleed from me and I will THINK no more
and the stains coming from my blood
tell me go back home"

maktub.

skribbled at 12:18 AM

Thursday, May 06, 2004

you are.
F A K E

maktub.

skribbled at 9:43 PM

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

something.
i dunno what's wrong with me - the need to achieve. to be better - than everyone else.
saw ms. N yesterday on teevee with her success story. As a normal human human being, I should feel, at least, a certain sense of pride for our community and happiness for her accomplishments in life thus far;
instead, I felt sick, envious, and a deep amount of hatred towards her.
what the hell is the matter with me
OH GOD
i dunno
the feeling.. it's like..
if you can do it, so can I, in fact, I'll do it better, you'll see
that's dengki right
that's envy.
And envy is a disease, worse than hatred.
i feel so SICK of myself
so many events that happened
have moulded me into barely a shadow of what I once was
some of which're good
and some exceedingly bad.
But given the chance,
Would I ever want to be the person I once was, again?
perhaps never
perhaps.
not now anyway.
Of course there are things that I do miss
cavorting nonchalantly
and throwing myself into scenes I wouldn't even have imagined being in
not heeding to anyone
nor anything. be it rules, books, parents or
the One and Only HIM
i miss being that person i once was
well
sometimes anyway.

maktub.

skribbled at 4:55 PM