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Friday, April 30, 2004
encounter.
anticipation - lethal at times.
and you are blood.
trickling down the side of my head
from a bullet hole
i got wounded whilst running away from
you
after chasing
for so long.
i see a face in the mirror
so familiar
yet i cannot say who it is
because the mirror cracks into a million pieces
and one has pierced me in the tongue.
you come with one arm
and take me by the neck.
you hang me by the wall
threatening to end my life
'say the syahadah SAY THE SYAHADAH!'
i say it during the last few seconds you let go of your grip
i fall.
a lifeless limp mass
a puddle of what was once human.
where will i be on monday when i'm supposed to be on national television reading the news?
where is my hijab?
who is that face in the mirror?
what have you done
what have i let you do to me
...
Rabb.
maktub.
skribbled at 10:51 PM
rotten.
bend and fold; my socks they do
in the morning
as i strive to unfurl them
out of neat balls
she has rolled them into
destroying all their little secrets within.
bend and fold; i do
in the morning
as i strive for another day's worth of living
uncurling my life's details
that i have tediously sewed within.
...
snap
creak
go my broken back.
each morning when you come
and then take leave
just as suddenly
leaving footprints in the sand
and me
bent over double
as i foolishly try to scoop them up.
maktub.
skribbled at 12:01 AM
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
save me.
oh dear God. i'm crying not because i can't have him.
i'm crying cause i do not want him (!!)
please make him go away.
not entirely..
just..
out of my life?
yes, i'm bad
but
HE'S MAKING EVEN HAIR I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED STAND ON END!
*grimace*
call me evil
cruel
whatever.
i've had enough bad vibes from the Adam race, thank you muchly.
maktub.
skribbled at 11:52 PM
Monday, April 26, 2004
Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.
He's done it again. barely a day and He's granted my wish. again.
for the umpteenth time.
syukur.
now I can sleep peacefully once more. Now I can think happy thoughts once more.
oh my God. i'm ecstatic. elated. positively shocked.
many many thx for the du'as and well wishes.
i wish i can hug and kiss everyone right now *absolute happiness*
what with my super drippy nose and all
alhamdulillah.
i am most thankful to Him.
maktub.
skribbled at 5:34 PM
scream(!)
reading all these stuff only makes me more paranoid n schizo so tell me again WHY do i still persist??
waiting game is KILLING me and the dreams/nightmares are not a warm comfort at all.
my fingernails have been gnawed almost right down to their cores and urgh. i can't bloody think straight at all.
i feel like secluding myself for one month, like a hermit, but i know it'll only make things worse so i'll just paint this happy looking smile on my face and keep my eyes and thoughts focused for the meantime. maybe time'll tick faster for these forthcoming days.
oh.
and ooh la la.
managed to fix that irritating color problem on this stupid monitor. zippedy doo dah.
maktub.
skribbled at 9:18 AM
Saturday, April 24, 2004
thru it all.
i shoulda showed more fervent and need. want. desire.
no such thing.
answers come in the form of dreams but whether or not they are to be believed, is a whole different thing.
consecutively. somewhat around subuh.
and then i woke up; clutching my spinning head - did i only imagine it all?
sad; dejected; and all negativity rolled into one i forced myself up and did prayers.
prayed for the dreams to surface as truth.
some moments; the bantering amuses me
we feed each other verbal jibes as if it's the most normal thing to do.
my sinus got worse and i took my leave - hesitantly.
and suddenly the visions
they come crashing;
the time i threatened to throw ur passport into the green bin
tried scrawling ur details for the lady upon some stony pillar
and
throwing caution and ourselves into the wind at sunset and then me
purposefully and coyly
but with full intention
leaning against the tree willing you to come nearer
only to push you further away.
i keep silent and you wonder why i do
when my heart is obviously bursting inside with stories to tell and
secrets to spill.
i look up and smile
greeted by the ten p.m. sea breeze.
took u by my eyes and directed us out of the situation i managed to weave us in suddenly.
"it's late," i said. "let's go"
though i knew
that u knew too
there were so much emotions in the air that night
coupled with all the wrong intentions
that it should all just be better left unsaid.
i had you by the grasp of your wrist
and like a fool i let you go.
maktub.
skribbled at 11:24 AM
Thursday, April 22, 2004
wanton.
the underlying themes in life are, as i've recently discovered: love. faith. and devotion.
a friend cited one theme as money; which i had to vehemently disagree with. how can that filthy element ever be considered as one of life's subjects? an antagonist maybe.
same category as Diabolis.
but o woe is me, for i have neither one nor the other, sadly.
and tis ironic how so grandly i preach of all three elements.
i'm embarking on life with a completely different track set in mind now.
gone is my naivete and with it, days of conscious caution.
even my humor has gone dry and dark. biting even, when i discuss death so boldly in the company of people whom i staunchly call friends.
the days, they come so stealthily now, robbing me of the most sacred thing i have wrapped around me - time.
like gusts of wind, they come and rob me of my dearest possession, like they do to poor pale trees in fall.
people take for granted the simplest slightest pleasures in life.
they chase modernity and technology with the most fervent of ardour (likewise me, on this bloggerthingamajig) and beseech the internet for answers that their hearts seek for.
living for all the wrong ideals, people now strive for money - that repulsive pungent green paper, stamped with authorized approval - digits that in the end shape our days. and oh how gruellingly we eke it.
i am tired, and my bones are creaking from all joints; begging for mercy, and my eyes for repose.
how can i let time slip so easily through these gnarled fingers - not once putting up a fight for what i believe in.
when will the day come?
i wish to be the voice; but everytime i attempt to, i become fragile, like a dead man's hands - swallowing screams that should instead be hurled into the still air.
i dream too much for a girl of my stature.
the duvet is calling; like a silent lover, waiting with the most patience each night, to swallow me whole.
maktub.
skribbled at 11:47 PM
Monday, April 19, 2004
pieces.
"Historically, vegans have misunderstood or treated with suspicion because of their beliefs. Now, this strict form of vegetarianism is attracting young adherents.
The transformation goes like this: Teen learns about the animal-rights movement. Teen shuns meat. Family and friends scratch heads.
Although any vegetarian diet demands sacrifice, the small group of adolescents who opt to become vegan stand out for their commitment to principle, their political activism and their ability to withstand pressure from outside expectations. Because of the rigor of their beliefs, vegans have until recently been misunderstood or treated with suspicion.
Regular, or "ovo-lacto", vegetarians don't eat meat. But vegans don't eat any sort of animal product, usually because of the way the animals are treated, even if the animals aren't slaughtered. They don't drink milk or eat eggs, honey or anything made with gelatin.
About 2 percent of all Americans ages 6 to 17 are vegetarian, and 0.5 percent are vegan, according to the Vegetarian Resource Group.
Vegans can have trouble getting nutrients, especially vitamins D and B12 and iron, warns a nutrition scientist at the National Institute of Health. They should get professional nutritional guidance, and make vitamin-fortified breakfast cereal a cornerstone of their diet."
~from a psychology article
and
Allah says in the Holy Qur'an:
"Forbidden unto you (for food) are carrion and blood and swineflesh, and that which hath been dedicated unto any other than Allah, and the strangled, and the dead through beating, and the dead through falling from a height, and that which hath been killed by (the goring of) horns, and the devoured of wild beasts, saving that which ye make lawful (by the death-stroke), and that which hath been immolated unto idols. And (forbidden is it) that ye swear by the divining arrows. This is an abomination. This day are those who disbelieve in despair of (ever harming) your religion; so fear them not, fear Me! This day have I perfected your religion for you and completed My favour unto you, and have chosen for you as religion al-Islam. Whoso is forced by hunger, not by will, to sin: (for him) lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
They ask thee (O Muhammad) what is made lawful for them. Say: (all) good things are made lawful for you. And those beasts and birds of prey which ye have trained as hounds are trained, ye teach them that which Allah taught you; so eat of that which they catch for you and mention Allah's name upon it, and observe your duty to Allah. Lo! Allah is swift to take account."
~surah al-Ma'idah : verses 3 - 4
maktub.
skribbled at 4:56 PM
hello you.
i seem to be checking in here a lil more frequently than usual lately, huh. sigh.
been botching things up a lot more often these days too. everythin's goin' so wrong now! and i'm so tired of fighting these emotional conflicts. Should i just give it all up? throw in the towel? i'm such a dimwit. Pity my parents for having me, that i do.
Why must people go away so soon? when we've only just begun to learn and love them, that's when they choose to leave. is this all part of the Grand Scheme? i am the weakest of humans. i am. so wearily am.
between the angel and the devil, I'd rather be the messiah.
between the gunman and the victim, I'd rather be the martyr.
Verses of the Qur'an are the only words that can make a grown man cry - if it be heartfelt. What would we all be without His mercy. Even to be alive in itself is a blessing from Allah. I wish the day for me to understand the Language of jannah tun na'im to come sooner. i feel so deprived. so, so sickly deprived.
maktub.
skribbled at 4:55 PM
Sunday, April 18, 2004
subhanAllah.
masha'Allah they're featuring Morocco in this week's arts programme. what a most beautiful and exotic country! the people, the sights, smells, food and architecture. peaceful calls of the adzan five times of the day for the dutiful muslims there. the masjids are so gorgeous. and the cuisine - exotic. Art is thick there too.. beautiful.
and oh! the Sahara! i MUST go there one day!
the thick, beautifully carved sand dunes. and it's amazing how date palms can grow there where rain has not fallen for seven years. people there survive so minimally and yet look at them - how gloriously happy they be!
i need to travel.
i need to seek new horizons.
the earth is here under my feet for me to explore each inch of it.
maktub.
skribbled at 9:33 PM
Saturday, April 17, 2004
arrivederci.
today i realised what a big fat crybaby i am. we watched a foreign flick; something not even planned for (doesn't spontaneity rock?!) 'stead of something we'd so totally wanted to check out, but couldn't coz it was already all sold out. thought it was some foreign horror flick. but i was surprised that it actually wasn't and did the reverse by making me cry all pails and buckets in the cinema. i dunno what overcame me - perhaps the faultless innocence of a child and how free he actually is compared to the rest of us. or perhaps.. i dunno, just me being too emotional on life and its meaning. the film rocks anyway and i'm glad it wasn't good money gone to waste.
the simplicity of it all kills me! simple sinless pleasures. why don't people live for that anymore? *sigh*
carpe diem they say. seize the day.
maktub.
skribbled at 11:55 PM
oh bummer.
somewhere along the path to work, then it hit me.
i really want that degree. i really love that course! i really truly would seriously love the thought of actually making my dream become a reality! and am i not the one who says so very often to my friends: "wouldn't it be soo nice to be doing something u love as a career? then it wouldn't feel like u were working at all! AND u even get PAID for doing it!" Why didn't i say to that to my own self?? *bangs head on wall repeatedly*
there's gonna be a nasty frown pursed on my lips and a deep furrow in my brow till we get the posting results.
i am SUCH a DWEEB!
RIGHT SMACK IN MY FACE AND I BLEW IT!!
where's my pride and confidence when i really need em most?
oh right here in my back pocket alright.
sheesh.
*sob*
maktub.
skribbled at 12:04 PM
Friday, April 16, 2004
bismillah.
alright.
it's d-Day
make it or break it
do or die trying.
"If you ask, ask Allah and if you seek help, seek help from Allah."
maktub.
skribbled at 12:00 AM
Thursday, April 15, 2004
patience is half of imaan.
"Similarly the words, "Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds" include two things. One is the basis of praise, which is gratitude. This gratitude is the beginning of the straight path and as it were half of it, since practical faith has two halves - half is patience and half is gratitude. The superiority of gratitude to patience is like the superiority of mercy to anger, because gratitude proceeds from joy, whereas patience under God's decree proceeds from fear and awe, and is not free from distress and sorrow. To walk along the straight path to God by way of love and to perform actions of love are much better than to walk along the path of fear."
oh may He help me. i am so smitten over these wise old men as children are to candy.
maktub.
skribbled at 5:36 PM
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
"she had this indigo tattoo upon her forehead".
in the bus home this evenin and out of a sudden was hit by one of my many 'depression attacks'. huddled my tiny legs all the way to the left side of the bus and leaned my covered head purposefully against the bus window. so what if the outside world'd see me looking so forlorn. i have the right to be sad when and how so ever badly i want to at absolutely any point of time in my life. if i wanna burst out in tears in the middle of tutorial, so be it. if i wanna sing heartily from the bus-stop till my door-step, i will. and i did. so there.
ponder. we as women need men to lead. it is a known solid and most concrete fact. Hawa was created out of Adam's left rib. we are part of men. we are not lone-standing entities. we need them as companions to traverse al sirratul mustaqim.
where will my path lead me?
Allah Alam.
who will i end up with?
Allah Alam.
who are my friends?
Allah Alam.
how many children will i have?
Allah Alam.
will i have children at all?
Allah Alam.
what will i be doing when i die?
Allah Alam.
when will The hour be?
Allah Alam.
when will this pain detach itself off me
wAllahu Alam bissawab.
maktub.
skribbled at 11:19 PM
the sweetest thing someone said to me lately:
"D, u always make me smile, u noe?"
hehee. *heart melts*
maktub.
skribbled at 12:26 AM
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
crossroads.
yes, Alhamdulillah. i was shortlisted.. but it's been giving me incessant headaches since the day i received the letter(!!!)
my mind keeps thinking about the other option. And i've never been in a more dreadful state of confusion :(
i dun think I'm quite cut out to be a journalist. my editorial skills are dismally mediocre and the more i delve in it thru freelance projects, the more rotten and sick of myself i feel. ARGH.
i dunno, man. Guess I'll just go on taking the thing this Friday (and probably wind up making a complete crap of myself) and see how that goes. after all, being shortlisted doesn't necessarily mean already accepted. It's just like, sorta, halfway there.. or some sorts like that. brr. This is scary.
i've been praying, but maybe what I'm wishin' for is kinda vague. But isn't he the One Who knows all?
i just request my Lord constantly to ease the way to whichever of the two paths He deems fit for me to take.
maktub.
skribbled at 11:30 AM
Saturday, April 10, 2004
darlin' bloggie,
i got a letter today to go down there next week to take a test and an interview.
i dun think it's a shortlisting though.
more like determining my suitability for the thing applied for.
it must be coz of ur kind du'as
many thanx
:)
whatever it is; i'm still petrified!
with luv,
~lil' miss vague.
maktub.
skribbled at 10:45 PM
huffin' and a-puffin'.
k so u wanna know how the cycling went?
like hell!
we started off at haig road and my wee legs couldn't take it no more after 5 and a half hours of horrendous cycling and i gave up somewhere near changi village. curses to the planner. he sucked to the core. all the casualties will gladly agree with me on that.
lots of people gave up when we reached pasir ris and last i heard only one pathetic (or determined, to put in a better light) individual made it thus far till pasir ris. i dunno. me and fuzzy went home at around five in the a.m. we were seriously pooped. bum and legs ached like kerrrazy!
last year's was better, covering only twentyfour km; whereas this was thirtyfive. woah.
and last year it was lots more scenic and they got to stop at the masjid in orchard for a 'refreshment break' halfway thru the nite and also spotted a coupla drunkards playing with some traffic cones.
i wasn't disappointed on going though. it was a cool xperience.
the route was xtremely arduous!
bumpy, muddy, hilly.. everything.
but the pit stops at east coast at one a.m. was indeed gorgeous.
lots of familes and throngs of mats n minahs civilization about too.
thank God the following day was a holiday.
we were half dead. he he.
weather was good though, Alhamdulillah. and it gave me the much needed *ahem* exercise :)
will look forward to next year!
maktub.
skribbled at 10:38 PM
Thursday, April 08, 2004
and away we go!
Going for the nite cyclin' jig tonite. Ooh. bit anxious i am.
sure i can carry my stamina ok over hikes and hill climbs. But cycling? let's hope this one's at a leisurely pace.
but i like the prospect of ending at pasir ris beach - greeted by Allah's gorgeous morning painting - sunrise.
i hope we all make it tonite. should be fun right? should be fine.
insyaAllah.
and i hope I can snap some luvly pixxies too.
maktub.
skribbled at 4:41 PM
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
dissipate.
often i do get mixed up. not between truth and lie. but things like: was that just my own thought? a dream? or did that really happen?
then i'm left piecing and puzzling myself silly - and that's when sometimes i talk to myself when i'm walking down the streets alone.
for several days now, have been having very very strange dreams. dreams that i can't quite comprehend per se, and at the same time leave me feeling 'involved' and wondering at the same time: now did that actually happen back there?
i don't want to get to the point where i live my life like an actual dream. but then sometimes, it is so much safer to do so. the most people would do is call you crazy.
but come to think of it, don't we all become crazy in the pursuit of things we love?
maktub.
skribbled at 11:02 AM
Sunday, April 04, 2004
weird looking tofu ball.
dinner was a seven-course meal at some fancy schmancy lorong restaurant.
the place was soo tightly packed that my eyes had no where to roam except to my two fat hands and whenever i looked up, i had to somehow cross glances with him and him.
aRGh. i hope they didn't get the wrong idea.
yikes.
maktub.
skribbled at 12:08 AM
regret.
i've learnt - that when a good opportunity passes by, one should just lap it up there n then. coz the tendency to 'wait for something better' suggests greediness and ungratefulness; and would subsequently lead to plain, utter regret :(
why ever 'wait for something better' when the best for you is standing just right in front.
the theme for my life right now is 'madness'.
Bought the Amelie vcd the other day - one for J, and one for myself. afternoon was spent in front of the tube; before heading out in the evening. the mom watched Amelie with me since she'd nothing else to do. sigh. she did enjoy the story, i noted; but i was also kinda disappointed when she passed that gorgeous french dreamer as 'crazy'.
oh mom. she's living my exact dream life! :'(
maktub.
skribbled at 12:05 AM
Saturday, April 03, 2004
two things.
if there's anything i'd live for on this earth, it'd be: children and education.
maktub.
skribbled at 11:18 AM
highly recommended.
veronika decides to die. marvellous, marvellous. like, all the while you've been wearing rags and now you've been given silk! like that.
the book talks about a pretty, friendly, and young woman who decides to take her life after being sick with its monotony. it wasn't a rash act too; she'd been thinking bout it for quite some time already and decided that an overdose of sleeping pills would be the method; since it was simple and straightforward, and whoever it is who would find her body would not have to deal with any blood or other kinds of mess that differing forms of suicide would offer.
halfway ploughing through the book, you'd realise the essence of it.
The characters are residents of a mental asylum in Slovenia. some are genuinely mad; some are struggling to understand the many different identities that they own, while some others like veronika, eduard, zedka and mari are just uniquely different and want so much more out of life that the image of 'life' that they are forced to accept terribly disappoints them. Bitter and withdrawn, they decided that it would be a better thing to live in a world that they've created - not conforming to the normalcy and mundaneness of society that continuously seeks to restricts them.
Sufi meditation is mentioned as one of the recovering techniques used in the asylum - so's the ever-popular Nasrudin.
a God (The God) to solely believe in and live for. and to do the things that you want to do and say all the things that you want to say while you still can. that's what the book is all about. live as if it's the last day of your life. and prepare for death as if you're going to die tomorrow.
The story takes a different turn at the end; which to me, makes it all the better :)
maktub.
skribbled at 11:13 AM
evil grin.
Hahaha. bumped into H yesterday while out with D. he's getting engaged real soon. See, la. All the opportunites I missed before.
D kept on broaching the subject of H, and even R and A. Why's it like this, why's it like that and so on. (even got disgusted at a certain point, hahaha.) She called me the stupidest n blindest person ever to overlook him. but Hey, first impressions are lasting ok, and my first few impressions of him weren't very positive at all.
can't stand the old goat at this here work *GahH* lesse how long the latest one will last. Hahahaha.
maktub.
skribbled at 12:10 AM
Thursday, April 01, 2004
i grew up late.
while everyone was already blossoming n pollenizing, i was still runnin around in my knickers with my thumb stuck in my mouth. and know what the best part of it all is?
i don't regret any of it.
envy?
nah. time on earth's much too short for that.
so there.
and i'm lapping up paulo coelho like nobody's business.
yummy.
maktub.
skribbled at 12:41 AM
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