Tuesday, March 30, 2004

twiddle dee. tweedle dum.
i'm picking my brain. coz ur a nitwit. a dimwit whom i threw myself in. slanted sideways. not relenting. and i'm a lamebrain. coz u were my membrane. but them ligaments - they tore anyways.
now he. he's was mah saviour. mah messiah. ze grand vizier. i burnt him. he helped set the fire.
george came and split us all up into threes and fours and we're back to square one again.
came mr slushygungho potbelly n' all. like a mirror image on a bad camera day. by n by came the sidekick. slung em out my rear window as always. as always.
played hopscotch out by the river today with the mudskippers and kangaroos kept winning.
found an ol' friend thru forwarded mails and helped calm frazzled stir-fried nerves over the celly. ah, thus.
but hark ye. thar she blows.
and so
aways i goes.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:55 PM

Monday, March 29, 2004

my heart goes 'boing'.
Before my days are old and spent withering upon some creaking rocking chair, i'd like to pen me a best-seller.
one day. One day, insha'Allah :)

m y . h u n g e r
greased hands
were what we sealed our friendship with,
and shoved them
in our pockets
once the deed was done.
we met
once every full moon
behind the dead babies' backyard
and exchanged moments
of glory, love, and lust.
our hearts we gave
some ancient time before
broke them into pieces and fed them to the hungry adam whore.

maktub.

skribbled at 10:55 PM

oh and one more thing.
oh yes. do youz also realise that the relationships of most of the relationship-wreckers are falling apart these days? bad karma?
you decide.

maktub.

skribbled at 12:42 AM

encounters thus far.
so. i'm back to goin for driving lessons. better than whiling away time doin nothing conducive right? i sincerely hope to pass by at least end of this year, but considering how i'm one hell of a procrastinator, lemme just say insha'Allah here.
been blog-hoppin around; and i must say some people's entries are real weird. some are just plain bimbos. some/most don't mind washing their entire load of dirty laundry infront of total strangers. others slickly use monikers, pseudonyms, and are superbly vague in the identity region.
there's this one girl - she really cracked me up - her posts (if i read between the lines correctly) exhibit her confused struggle between religion and family. she sounds like any good kid, though angsty and all, who deep inside wants to break out of the normalcy she's been weaved and forced to live in. why am i talking about her? hm, i dunno, maybe cos i feel a slight tug when i am reading her posts. it's like, she reminds me of who i used to be just several years (or maybe months) ago. i can't help but smile upon reading some similar scenarios. we share some common emotions and wants, even in my own present situation. but where i've moved on she's still struggling, and where i'm gasping, she's sped on.
was having a luvly time catching up with some ol' colleague and he had to spoil it by ridiculing me. ass. guys will be guys, huh? ah well.
R's bro is gettin married to a local here next week. and boy o boy, he's marryin the mother of all Bitches herself, together with the entire bratPack. poor R and family - only God knows how they suffer under such circumstances - circumstances where we ourselves would deem insanely intolerable. God bless, u all. Not yet the daughter-in-law and she's already makin' hell for R's parents. we lot had supper the other night and at the end of it all, the gals clearly had evident hate for R's future sis-in-law already.
oh well. wonder why i'm babbling so much at such an hour? heh heh. you guessed it. am supposed to be writing an article (yes, another one, unfortunately) - a last minute one at that, it wasn't my choice, they didn't have any one else who could do it - and as always, when you have things to be done, it's always the other non-trivial stuff that the mind pursues instead.
i'm so sick of work.
i miss schooling soo much. i need full time education. i need to meet new people. uhmm.
make that new and interesting people.

uh yea. maybe i shd mention this too.
i was asked the most ridiculous question ever. the Mother of all the world's ridiculous questions.

ok, that said, i shall attempt that pathetic piece of article once more.
i wouldn't know for sure who's reading this right now, but if u know who i am (but not telling me that u know i'm residing here), then what are you waiting for? go get next month's copy of the magz i contribute my time-consuming yet miserable work into and give ur friend a morale boost, aite? :)

and yes, oh yes. i've finally discovered the wonderful works of Nietzsche. heh. bit slow, aren't i? better late than never. i'll savour the book cove here while i still can, thank you muchly.

maktub.

skribbled at 12:08 AM

Saturday, March 27, 2004

f i l t h
and i leave
footprints
of dirt and grime;
traces
of my filthy crime.
you don't know
like how i used to slither
and you don't know
my days
how they sadly wither.

and these days
all i seem to want to do is chant
His name. His name.
forsaking all others
but it's never enough.
His name. His name
and ninety nine more times.

You lift me so high
but i fear
of how painful the fall will be
when i do.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:00 AM

Friday, March 26, 2004

detach, detach. That's the only way to live.
I'm not assertive. I simply am not. Not born like that. didn't grow up to be. and I don't think I'm aging in that direction too.
Assertive is sorta saying 'demanding' in a more positive way, I guess. It helps get people and things moving and shaking. and it's one way of making some girls fall head over heels for you :)
J said my preference for the other sex is simply w e i r d.
hehe.
Now where have I heard that line before? *smiles*

maktub.

skribbled at 2:54 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2004

"who's the bad guy, now, who's the bad guy?"
Was late again for work today; so what's new.
anyways.
Been calling up almost every video and vcd retail outlet in our dismal island just to find a copy of 'Little Women' - the one with Winona Ryder - seems that it's needed by a lecturer here.
and GOD(!) the way the retailers answer the calls! pathetic. They can't even pronounce the bloody title correctly, for goodness' sake. "litter oo mern". sheesh.

Everyone has faults. cos no one is perfect. Duh.
If it's not zahir(external), it's definitely batin(internal); and more often than not, it's the latter that's inherent in most of us.
When I'm in the train, I normally engross myself in a good book. Else, I'll just while away the time just looking at and observing the crowd. People hate that *grin*
People are getting more beautiful now, what with various degrees of self-enhancement therapies available. Though this might be pleasing to the eyes, one shudders to think how exactly the person is beneath all that thick mass of physical modifications. Cos like I said, if the faults are not visible externally, you can be sure there's lots hidden inside.
i've missed a lot of good movies lately.
Wonder where the time has gone.

maktub.

skribbled at 5:42 PM

Saturday, March 20, 2004

bliss.
the intro of Nick Drake's Northern sky is just so wonderful. never fails to stir me up from bouts of sleepiness and despair; such as what i am in now.
infinitely calming.

maktub.

skribbled at 12:20 PM

Friday, March 19, 2004

Oh and how quickly He delivers.
i did something seriously wrong this morning and half an hour later, the punishment was already meted out. Ouch.
It's kinda too late now for regret. My cellphone is gone forever. I really truly deserve this.

maktub.

skribbled at 1:07 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004

i luv u jon peter lewis. forever n ever ;p
like hailstones upon a zinc roof. that's how i am and have to be sometimes. yea it hurts. but so? at least i'm being honest.
i'm really gettin sick of you.
seriously.
no no, not you. you.

my thoughts are really dry these days.
all have been spilled in ink.

work's jolly fun
just wondering how it'll be like though without her come a month plus.

my eyes make the most sin every. single. day.

maktub.

skribbled at 12:48 AM

Thursday, March 11, 2004

and constantly.
Everyone's looking, you know. we just have a different way of showing. it's all the same goals - same dreams. Just different routes to, mindsets and descriptions of our own secret special havens.
My health is deteriorating; maybe i will die young. But only the good go early though, they say; so no such hope for me.
Times are awkward now. Like as if we've only just known each other though it's been what, four years? There's the slight tremble in our speech and our nervous shifty glances. And even my fingers shake as I rummage through my trashcan of a bag for a good sweet to offer her.
I know you won't be here reading this (i dearly hope) and thank God for that. but you know what i don't want? I don't want to look back at all this and have to sigh and say i told you so. I don't want the good memories of the both of us or even us three to cloud up and dissolve just because of a few painful stings. I don't want to have one friend less to talk to, confide in, grow ancient with in our senile years ahead.
I don't want things to change so significantly just because you fell into the jaws of mortal love while I'm still here - torn between two worlds.

maktub.

skribbled at 11:25 AM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

quizzy.
What's your element?

Your element is Night. You're a loner who is very creative but never show your work to anyone. You may smile a little but sadness or loneliness surround you and other can feel it when they're near you. You have a dark or unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and you probably have a lot of secrets that you've never told anyone. Your beauty is intriguing and unorthodox but the real thing that makes you special is your eyes. Something in them makes them like "Diamonds in the Rough".

yeah rite.

maktub.

skribbled at 12:43 AM

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

hello.
made a new friend today.
i like :)
his name's casper,
he's 22.
he has six tattoos
one of which showcases all the members of slipknot (with color!!)
and two of which were done excruciatingly by a nail. by a friend.
and three piercings
for now.
he looks so stoned
and he smells super nice!

had an urge to give him the precious metal zines collection i had since '97
but heck. can't seem to find it nowhere! what the hell.

i feel like fussing all over him :)

maktub.

skribbled at 11:55 PM

ey.
The polite and correct way to call/ beckon a stranger is "Excuse me, hi.. "
and not
"Eh! eh hallo! Hallo!!" while at the same time looking like a fish swishing its fins.

stupid arses.

maktub.

skribbled at 12:08 PM

Sunday, March 07, 2004

angered. withered. weathered.
a lot of thoughts lately but have penned them in a safer place.

in the mood to wander lately
but running out of places.
and open spaces are not that open after all.

i'm a gemini ascendant
so this is what it feels like.

^{x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.}
"Neptune opposition the Ascendant shows that you are greatly influenced by the people with whom you associate.

Your opinions of the people you deal with are too idealistic, and you are hurt when they disappoint you.

When you volunteer to help people, you must protect yourself. Offer to help only when you know positively that someone needs your assistance. Being alone makes you feel helpless, so you seek out obligations to others.

Since you are imaginative and creatively inspired in expressing yourself, you should direct your talents to writing, music, or the arts.

You depend on others to provide the opportunities you need to earn a living. Because you feel that you do not deserve to be happy and contented, you overemphasize your negative qualities. But you are more loved than you realize, and your friends are deeply concerned for your welfare. Seek their advice before making a commitment so you will not regret it later."

maktub.

skribbled at 2:24 PM

Monday, March 01, 2004

What it means to be me.
My life shouldn't revolve around incessant worrying and repulsive chronic nail-biting. My life shouldn't revolve around freaking out everytime I get a text from someone whom I find personally grotty. My life shouldn't revolve around feelings not reciprocated and the after-effects they have on me.
In the quest for finding, we learn
In the quest for knowing, we yearn.
The problem with me is; I tend to place such a great weight of hope and trust in people's words that I just die whenever things don't happen as promised. It's like. Ok, you, BIG FCUKING LIAR. Don't expect me to trust YOU ever again.
I dunno if that's bad or not. But it sure does keep me on my toes mosta the times. But at the same time, it also builds up this pent -up rage and intense fury within me that ends up with me creating this impenetrable barricade between myself and the others. My own invisible fortress. My own comfort zone. I wish I can stay there forever. But I need to talk to people sometimes.
Do you think I can possibly blame everyone else for what's happened?

Guess not, right.

You know what I need to do?
I need to get inside of me and untangle this chaotic plethora of emotions. sort each one out nicely. find out what caused it. Clean and dry it. put each one on a shelf and label 'em out accordingly.

Why is it always about me?
Cos seriously; I've had just about enough of you.

maktub.

skribbled at 4:44 PM