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Saturday, February 28, 2004
why must everyone else be so perfect?
this jealousy. i want to kill it.
stab it slowly.
needle-prick it.
turn the knife blade round and round
and twist it.
pride has crippled my right.
and this raving, crazy
mad jealousy
is going to wound my left.
"This poetry. I never know what I'm going to say.
I don't plan it.
When I'm outside the saying of it,
I get very quiet and rarely speak at all."
maktub.
skribbled at 3:35 PM
Friday, February 27, 2004
God really truly is the Greatest.
you'd know it. when you see His signs at work. His prowess. His majesty. His intricate, detailed, works of art that he weaves beautifully through Nature.
How He Promises and Does it.
How He Wills and Disposes.
How He Hears and Answers.
i talk so big.
about how of one day losing my faith (God forbid).
but i know now
i wouldn't be happy.
i'd be worser off than this.
i'd crumble and die every day.
every little thing i do
though subconsciously
i do utter His name.
so how dare i say i want to be left out of His mercy.
how dare i brag apostasy.
and how dare i even think of being someone as vile as to not even show gratitude to the One Being Who brought me here in the first place.
but i do know one thing.
"Whoever it is that brought me here, will have to take me home."
maktub.
skribbled at 11:13 PM
apa dah jadi.
Apa nieeee..................
semua orang nak kawin..................
gila ke..................
maktub.
skribbled at 12:58 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Feeling this - blink182
I got to regret right now/ The air is so cold and low
Let me go in her room/ I wanna take off her clothes
Show me the way to bed/ Show me the way you move
Fuck it is such a blur/ I love all the things you do
Fate. fell. short. this. time.
Your. smile. fades in the summer
Place. your. hand. in. mine
I'll. leave when I wanna
Where do we go from here/ Turn all the lights down now
Smiling from ear to ear/ Our breathing has got too loud
Show me the bedroom floor/ Show me the bathroom mirror
We're taking this way too slow/ Take me away from here
This place was never the same again/ After you came and went
How can you say you meant anything different/ To anyone standing alone
On the street with a cigarette/ On the first night we met
Look to the past/ And remember her smile
And maybe tonight/ I can breathe for awhile
I'm not in the seat/ I think I'm fallin' asleep
But then all that it means is/ I'll always be dreaming of you
Are we alone do you feel it/ So lost and disillusioned
maktub.
skribbled at 5:49 PM
So it seems.
Pasta, mushrooms and (white) sauce have an effect on me. They somehow cheer me up (endorphins?). What a startling revelation to begin the afternoon with. Besides that, waving to people and talking to interesting street specimens (read: strangers) perk me up too.
Maybe things will get better. One can hope, can't she?
Many things for this weekend till next.
Hopefully they will help bring back my sanity.
But then; too many happenin' stuff goin on around town that I can't go to also. Argh. Drat. The photography exhibition (!) The poetry thingy at the CC (!!) The sitar performance with the Indian cultural showcase (!!!) Man, talk about bad timing. But even if I do go also; I'd be goin alone. So... hmm. None of them other people seem to fancy the same stuff like I do. It's kinda tough. (and depressing at times).
"If you are angry, you get brave. You can become a master in everything."
"I am motherless, I am fatherless, so I don't care. God is my family now," she
said.
Thanks, sarah, for the quotes.
maktub.
skribbled at 5:01 PM
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
downtrodden.
i feel
so lacklustre
like a star that refuses to shine
not because of lack of want
but lack of source
and spirit,
dulling
both
the inside and outside of
these five disoriented joints.
why does it hurt to feel happy.
maktub.
skribbled at 12:20 AM
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Burnt kabob - Rumi
Last year, I admired wines. This,
i'm wandering inside the red world.
Last year, I gazed at the fire.
this year I'm burnt kabob.
Thirst drove me down to the water
where I drank the moon's reflection.
Now I am a lion staring up totally
lost in love with the thing itself.
Don't ask questions about longing.
look in my face.
Soul drunk, body ruined, these two
sit helpless in a wrecked wagon.
neither knows how to fix it.
And my heart, I'd say it was more
like a donkey sunk in a mudhole,
struggling and miring deeper.
But listen to me: for one moment,
quit being sad. Hear blessings
dropping their blossoms
around you. God.
maktub.
skribbled at 5:28 PM
Monday, February 23, 2004
The only thing constant is change itself.
What rhymes with 'duck' and can be aptly used as an adjective, a noun or verb. Got it? well add a y-o-u behind it and bingo. my sentiments exactly.
Stop pissing me off. as it is, the queue's long enough already.
Haunting nightmares, restless naps and junk food overdrive - t'was my lovely weekend. Ahh.
i feel like doing something really outrageous. Life really has no purpose sometimes. Everything's just a facade and yet I am still such a shit. when will all this negativity stop. please. what is it. i don't freaking know what's causing it. is it pent-up anger? Or is it unreleased thoughts. oh dear God.
maktub.
skribbled at 2:46 PM
emotional shit
is it really that bad?
am i really that obvious?
gee.
you made me smile
after such a shitty day
thank you.
when you can't communicate with someone,
you. really. just. can't.
no matter how.
what. where. or why.
it takes a great deal of effort from me to be accomodating.
please don't push your luck.
twins came by today
such bundles of joy.
babies give new meaning to life, don't they?
everybody now..,
Awwwwwwwwwwww....
maktub.
skribbled at 12:59 AM
Sunday, February 22, 2004
"And when you asked for light, I set myself on fire."
i am back into writing 'poems'. or 'aphorisms'. or whateverthingies you may call them. i am like a drunk. drunken and burdened with all the desires in the world; eased and appeased only by ink and parchment.
sleep offers no comfort.
day brings no joy.
is that you impending, ya Izrail?
you are so beautiful.
beautiful and perfect.
poignant.
and dangerous.
poison.
"And when you wanted blood, I cut my veins.
And when you wanted love, I bled myself again."
maktub.
skribbled at 1:41 AM
Thursday, February 19, 2004
bittersweet and repugnant.
There're too many things to be done tonight. yet here i am; restless as always. mind and arms weary from wandering too much. Each night, when i go to sleep, i die. and in the morning, when i wake up, i am reborn.
I am not here to please everyone. or anyone. cos in this world, you just can't. in fact, i really don't plan to even. bloody hell, i can't even save my own soul. what more do you expect me to do?
i need a new notebook, shoes, and a new friend.
everyone has gone away. again.
is it a fault of mine, as always?
i wonder what i am doing.
he is not to my liking. then why do i constantly set out my bait.
let's blame in on the stars again.
"Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight.
The shadow in the background of the morgue"
"didn't see you for some time, i thought you'd quit already."
"naah, i'm still here. took few days' leave. can't get rid of me yet. heh."
maktub.
skribbled at 11:53 PM
what's the matter mary jane?
In times of idleness or boredom, all the thoughts come flooding in that empty head. then, when you encounter the exact moment where you should sputter the words out, you just somehow don't. either cos of dumbfounded or forgetful ness. Sucks, either way.
Bumped into john the other day, and I was so shocked+happy to see him, all I could offer was a nod, megawatt smile, and an enthusiastic wave 'hi! What are you doing here?'. That was it. No 'so where are you teaching now?'. No 'Hey man, thanks a MILLION for the chocs, they were HEAVENLY.' No friendly 'Hey! what's up!' bummer. Sometimes my thoughts seem to be on a restraining gag order; all by their own accord.
I stopped reading papers some time last year cos there was just too much depressing stuff goin on around the world. I picked up the malay newspaper one day and saw this Iranian lady cradling her dead son in her arms and wailing helplessly towards the heavens. I cried too; in spite of myself and that was it. No more reading newspapers for me if I can't get any good news.
Faith is dwindling. got. to. recharge.
horrible. state. of. mind.
maktub.
skribbled at 4:48 PM
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
pilferers.
i say a silent prayer for that bent old fella shufflin his worn out bata blacks. i say a silent prayer for that beggar whom i see every other day yet not give money every time for fear he'll squander it on booze once he leaves for the day. i say a silent prayer for the young lady without arms and legs, being pushed along in her wheelchair by her doting boyfriend while she glares at me as though i was mocking her and the situation she's in.
but is it wrong if i don't say a prayer for the couple makin' out in front of me? for the girl whose piercings defy even the electromagnetic theory? for the girl holdin' hands with her partner as they walk along?
some people can just wish the best for almost every and any one. me; i'm selective. and maybe it's bad that way, but i am. someone said i was inflexible. maybe that person's right. i ask people for their point of view eventhough i already have one of my own in mind; yet i ask, just for the sake of asking. it doesn't hurt though, does it? strong and silent; that's me. i'm my own role model. a narcissist in every way.
there are thieves in the office. they've taken the good umbrella, my best mug and that guy i have the hugest crush on. curses, them all.
maktub.
skribbled at 1:01 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
volatile.
In the morning. I put on too much perfume and confidence; people stare. I don't know why I do that really, cos hope just crashes few moments later. Something's sure to disappoint me every day. I get easily affected; that's just me. An overabundance of emotions. A blessing? A curse? Up till this day, I am still uncertain.
Tardy for work almost every other day; but I do good work, i kid you not; I have not the heart to tell them that Hey, this is all just temporary, man. We'll all perish, what's the use. I have to get on. On to new things. On to greener pastures. But I doubt they'd understand. How can they? When I myself don't.
People swarm me. in the train. Buses. Pavements and walkways. They camouflage me from reality. The reality that nothing's as it seems. That you've always got to be on your guard. That the next person to trip you might just be your best friend. It's okay to build relationships I guess. But like fire, you gotta not get too close.
Adieu. I'm on interlude mode.
maktub.
skribbled at 10:58 AM
Saturday, February 14, 2004
we've bloody run out of condensed milk!!!
seriously now. what's the point of paying good money for a foreign domestic worker if she can't work for nuts! i've been transformed into a cranky sweaty 'housewife' (without the most important factor; ze husband) almost overnight and boy o boy this sure ain't rubbin' me the right way.
today wasn't good. in fact, i detest today if not for that rather o-k show on tv which i happened to tune in to at the right moment of the evening. had thought of loaning more vcds (my life right now) but i guess it can wait till tomorrow. Amelie is now officially in my list of "Movies that i can Watch Over n Over n Over Again". she is so GORGEOUS!! Ah, to live life like her. such utter joy. i can't wait to get out of this crummy concrete jungle. YeaRgh.
ok. so i've got two leos, a libra, and an aries now.
tell me again how i can get myself in these conkedUp situations.
bleargh. bleargh. bleargh.
oh by the way.
friends can't EVER be trusted.
EVER.
still waiting for the right friend. MY right friend.
all people do is fucken betray you.
and you wonder why i never trust humans nowadays? bah.
maktub.
skribbled at 10:51 PM
Friday, February 13, 2004
quizzy.
What shade of moonlight are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the silver moonlight. You have a deep soul.
Many people call you mysterious but they just
don't know you. You are often alone but shine
hope on every one else. People look up to you
and call to you for advice. You have been
betrayed but you have forgaven them. Your faith
in life has made you an inspiration to us all.
You are intelligent, quiet, beautiful, and
kind. You will become very sucessful. Your
dream career could maybe deal with the joy of
music. Keep up the spirit and let your mind
drift to the shining hope of the silver moon.
What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Ballet shoes- beautiful, graceful, and creative,
you enjoy dancing writing and music. You are
often very poetic and sometimes dramatic. You
keep to yourself aside from a few close friends
that you can relate to.
maktub.
skribbled at 10:03 PM
white oleander.
why do i feel as if your beautiful words are somehow written for me sometimes. the way they weave harshly in and out; but delicately carrying their subtlety amidst all that noise.
i could write a whole song about you and sing it to you off key at the very spot we first took root some while ago. i could build a river with the tears i cried each time i had you within grasp; but not quite.
i want to learn you. read you. be able to hear your thoughts and fulfill them. without you saying them out.
it's always the most intriguing things in life we want yet cannot get.
i crave for you.
you should know that someday.
someday.
but not anytime now.
just not anytime now.
maktub.
skribbled at 12:39 AM
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Oh bloody you.
Bloody you and your sexual innuendoes. You horny bastard. Sex-crazed pervert. Mindless leech.
About time you face the mirror proper and analyze your disgusting sniveling pathetic rotting self you lousy excuse for a male.
Don't try to charm me cos you can't. don't know how to. and I won't ever let you.
Don't try to get into my good books cos I have none.
Heck you don't bloody know me so don't think you can come try to fit me into your so-called stereotype mind.
I just want to be left alone.
Can't you bloody understand that?!
How dumb can a bloke get.
maktub.
skribbled at 11:14 PM
If i could fall into the sky, i wish that time would pass me by.
You know, that icky feeling when someone whom you don't wanna, approaches. And the one whom you actually want, doesn't. like THAT. Goosebumps and hairs that stand relentlessly on end.
Went up to the second floor today to deliver some texts and I saw something that made my heart just fall kersplat to the ground, with my feet dragging it along each step I took. Great, just great. So much for schoolgirl crushes.
Got an invitation from the psychology teacher to sit in her class anytime I'd like. Aw man, after what happened, that sure brightened up the morning. and to top that, Mr droolworthy came down to the library few moments just now sans his usual earthy tones. Oh well, a sight for sore eyes anyways :) Dear God, thank you for darn good-looking portugese males :)
p/s: quit askin' me out already. i am so bloody sick of you and your complacencies.
maktub.
skribbled at 12:16 PM
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
There are signs everywhere.
I've been to a shrink before; not to say that I'm proud of it though.
And it wasn't even a proper shrinko. It was a school counselor. That was the time life was sort of a shambles for me. Not that it isn't anymore now, but anyways, that's not the point.
Every now and then, people break down. Idiots call these people who are brave enough to stand up to the fact that they are not super-humans and can and do break down on occasions: crazy. Shame isn't it? You exhibit any kind of aura that doesn't fit that of the norm seeded in the minds of these sapiens, and in to the loony bin you go.
Going to shrinks cost money. And it's not those recess kinda money or even buying a book kinda money, it's like a day's or even a week's worth of pay if one religiously needs consultation. And what do shrinks do? They listen. You rave, you rant, you bitch, you cry, you rage; they nod their boring little heads and listen.
I'm under the weather these days. Bogged by problems I'm not supposed to say. And in fact, I myself find me rather petty sometimes for harboring these emotions. It's tiring. Something's bugging me. I know what it is. God knows what it is. Some people are bugging me, I know it too.
But things are gonna perk up this year I'll make sure of it. I haven't smiled and laughed with all my heart lately. When will this dark cloud finally drift away.
Yesterday's taste of the world's worst coleslaw suddenly decided to make a comeback on my tongue. Euwww.
maktub.
skribbled at 4:57 PM
"i'm feelin' hella good so let's just keep on dancin'."
finally done.
i like this one.
simple and clean.
maktub.
skribbled at 12:51 AM
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